100 Things About Me
2005-01-18 )|( 1:00 pm

100. I've had this diary since October 2003.

99. Before that, I had a different diary here at Diaryland -- glorybox75.

98. I was born in Portland, Maine, on January 24, 1975.

97. I was the third generation born in Portland on my mom's side.

96. I was the first generation born in America on my dad's side.

95. When I was two, we moved to Cincinnati, Ohio, where I lived until college.

94. I hated living there and used to beg my father to get a job in New York City or LA or at least send me to boarding school.

93. I graduated from high school in 1992.

92. Although I won many writing awards, I was an underachiever and only graduated in the top half of my class.

91. I still got into the college of my choice, though.

90. I graduated with a BA in English in 1996.

89. A few weeks after that, I was on a plane to London.

88. That's when my life really started to fall apart.

87. I came out as a lesbian when I was 21.

86. Even though I knew at age 10 that I was "different," it took until my last year in college to admit who I was.

85. I was so concerned with being accepted, that I thought if I told people I was gay, I would be unpopular.

84. How was I to know that lesbians would become so chic?

83. My childhood idol was Natalie Merchant. I still count "In My Tribe" as one of the greatest albums ever, even though I can't stand her solo stuff.

82. I began binge eating at age 9.

81. I had my first drink (vodka) at age 12.

80. I began cutting myself when I was 14.

79. I had my first illegal drug (marijuana) when I was 14.

78. When I was 21, I moved to London to "find myself."

77. I found drug addiction instead.

76. For nearly four years, I drank and smoked pot daily; took Ecstasy 1-2 times a week; snorted cocaine 1-2 times a week; snorted speed 1-2 times a week; and took acid 1-2 times a week. I also, on occaision, took GHB and ketamine. This was done not only with friends at our flats and in gay clubs, but with my boss at our place of work.

75. I felt so powerful doing drugs.

74. I was actually completely powerless over my life.

73. After I moved back to America, I stopped doing the Class A drugs regularly, but picked up heavy drinking and prescription pills.

72. I finally hit bottom in August 2004.

71. I was binge drinking every day and taking 4-5 sleeping pills a day so I could pass out and not deal with my life. I also started snorting anything I could get my hands on and crush up.

70. I lost all of my friends and would just sit in my apartment drinking and taking pills, afraid to go outside.

69. I was an extremely destructive person.

68. I am, as of today, 4 months clean.

67. My life has changed in ways I never imagined.

68. I am extremely co-dependent.

67. This didn't help when my 6-year relationship ended.

66. I didn't know how to be by myself.

65. That led me straight into another bad relationship that lasted about six months.

64. Thankfully, I am spared the memory of both the person I dated and what was going on. I'm sure I was a nightmare to deal with.

63. I just got over a nervous breakdown that lasted about 2 years.

62. I also had a breakdown when I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It lasted about 9 months.

61. I had another breakdown my sophomore year of college. That lasted until I went away to England on my junior year abroad.

60. The first girl I ever kissed was English.

59. She was very sexy and sang beautifully.

58. I'm only in touch with one person that I've dated.

57. I was 21 and so happy to have her in my life.

56. She is also the most beautiful and most mentally healthy girl that I've dated.

55. I think that says a lot about my lack of self-worth when it comes to dating since then.

54. I am taking a year off dating and sex.

53. But I have a crush on someone and would date her if she wanted to. Or at least make out.

52. She has no idea that I have a crush on her.

50. I find her really sexy, smart, and secure.

48. The song, "A Long Walk" by Jill Scott reminds me of her, especially this: "Your background it ain't squeaky clean/shit, sometimes we all got to swim upstream./You ain't no saint, we all are sinners./But you put your good foot down and make your soul a winner."

47. When people ask me if I'm a lesbian, I say, "Sometimes."

46. Sometimes, I'm really attracted to men.

46. I used to think that I only deserved to date women who were stray cats -- just looking to use me, but at least I would get love.

45. I don't think that now. I think I deserve a woman who is focused, educated, has a career, and has spirituality.

44. I completely blew my 20s.

43. I blew them dating the wrong people; by becoming 120 pounds overweight; by wasting thousands of dollars; by being an addict; by being angry; by being self-centered; by hating myself.

42. I'm now 30 and I think I'm going to be incredible. I'm already well on my way.

41. I'm doing so well in recovery.

40. I'm doing so well on Weight Watchers.

39. I used to sit at home all the time by myself.

38. I'm now out every night of the week with friends who are also working hard in recovery.

37. I have a beautiful face -- or at least, it will be once I drop more weight.

36. Since getting the drugs out of my system, my skin looks clearer and my hair is thicker. People say I look healthy and glowing.

35. I have terrible sugar cravings from the alcohol withdrawl.

34. We all do -- that's why addicts love dessert.

33. I have a younger brother.

32. He also did a lot of drugs, but wasn't an addict.

31. We talk once a week.

30. When I broke up with my girlfriend of six years, I wanted to die.

29. I now see what a blessing it was that we ended. I would have stayed sick.

28. I pray for her to find peace and happiness every day.

27. My entire family is now in therapy, separately.

26. This has opened up communication among all of us in a most unexpected and amazing way.

25. I am about $14,000 in credit card debt.

24. I am paying it all off and it should be done within 2 years.

23. I could just let it drop off my credit, but part of my recovery is taking responsibility for who I was.

22. I was a manipulative, self-centered, violent, lying little bitch.

21. I now consider myself to be a loving and caring person -- who still needs a lot of work.

20. I have no pets right now because I am not home enough to care for them. This is called "responsibility." I never had that.

19. I miss my dog Olivia very much. I had to put her to sleep in March 2004.

18. I get scared that if my friends don't see me, they'll forget about me.

17. I have not flown on an airplane for four years.

16. I had a bad experience on an airplane in 1998, went to therapy, flew successfully to Chicago, and then the next day, looked out my apartment window and saw the United flight hit the World Trade Center and explode.

15. I have surrendered my fear and flew the day before I turned 30.

14. I used to love documentaries and websites on conjoined twins -- and then someone came into my life who was a conjoined twin.

13. I have a new sponsor who is the most amazing person I know.

12. My Higher Power kind of looks like Madonna, but is a lot more powerful, if you can believe such a thing.

11. I worked in publishing for almost five years and hated it. It nearly killed me.

10. I love the job I have now so much.

9. I love to laugh and do so every day, even when I'm depressed.

8. I was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago, but so far, meditation and meetings have allowed me to not need medication.

7. It used to bother me that people from my past read this blog, but now I hope that something that I say may someday help them with their own lives.

6. Gay women make me really nervous and I avoid them.

5. Gay men make me really happy.

4. In the past four months, I have discovered that I am a very disciplined person.

3. I love music and love to sing.

2. I love to dance and have fun.

1. I am learning to love myself.

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